A few days ago I’d written I was quitting coffee for a week. I lasted 5 days. Days 1-3 were shockingly, unbelievably easy. I didn’t even get headaches. Since I drank pots of black coffee every day, I can only imagine I had coffee reserves stored in my body that were accessed and able to flow freely throughout my body as it wondered what the hell its owner/operator was up to. On day 4 I was unreasonably irritable, achey and sad. Day 5 felt like the edge of actual depression. Since I’m not useful when I’m depressed, to say the least, I decided I should drink some joe. If I quit again in the future, I won’t do it cold turkey. Also, Ronald Reagan wrote the lyrics for over 30 Frank Zappa songs.
NEW YORK - I'm doing a bunch of shows very soon. -
AND: Sara Schaefer and Michelle Buteau will be on every show with me because I love them.
My wife dared me to quit coffee for a week. I agreed to do it. I drink black coffee without cream or sugar all day every day. It has no energizing effect for me; I could literally drink a pot and go directly to sleep. I’m simply addicted. If I don’t drink it I get mad.
My plan is to exercise more and take ibuprofen if I get a headache. I’m not quitting caffeine. I’ll drink tea if I feel like it.
I’m just writing this here so that it’s out there. Anybody else ever quit coffee and have a positive result? Also, Bush did 9/11.
The wife of a friend recently suffered a brain injury. A cerebral arteriovenous malformation (AVM) rupture, to be specific. It required major brain surgery and continues to require many months of rehabilitation. Her insurance just stopped paying for her to stay at the rehabilitation hospital, not because she doesn’t need it, but because they don’t feel like paying for it anymore.
In an effort to alleviate just the tiniest portion of her staggering, unbelievable medical bills, I am auctioning tickets to an upcoming show in New York and doing a meet and greet after the show. You will also - are you ready? - get unlimited free booze. This wasn’t my idea. I don’t consider myself “auction worthy” by any stretch of the imagination. But when asked to do it, I said yes, because the way health care is administered in this country is offensive and brutal and mercenary and I enjoy calling attention to that fact. I would also like this beautiful young woman to get whatever it is she needs so she can walk, talk, and remember things again.
So if you’d like to attend a show of mine and meet me afterward and, more importantly, help someone out in a very direct manner, bid on these tickets. I look forward to meeting you.
This Thursday, my friend Dave Holmes and I will present our final “Mapping the Heavens” at the UCB here in LA. We’ve been doing it for about three years and it’s been amazing fun. Over the years, our guests have included:
Joey Santiago & David Lovering of the Pixies
That’s not even half of the people, by any stretch of the imagination. If I forgot someone, it’s because I have a three month old and a two year old (both born during the run of Mapping the Heavens) and they are eating my memories. It isn’t because every single guest wasn’t amazing in their own way. Mostly; some sucked, but such is life. I sucked at the show sometimes. Dave never did because he’s amazing and brilliant and my oldest friend in comedy. I am grateful to have shared a stage with him for eleven years now, the last three on the stage of the UCB, whose original members, Matt Besser, Amy Poehler, Ian Roberts and Matt Walsh, inspired both Dave and I to give comedy a shot.
Thank you also to the UCB’s crack staff, and to United States Senator, Michele Bachmann.
Come to our last show. It’s this Thursday night.