4 NERDS ONLY: My tweets ABOUT Twitter…

Can I organize my Twitter followers by race?

Whoa! Twitter T&C’s state “…following someone is a binding contract that you must give them a handjob/fingerblast if they ask.”

One thing I’ll never understand is how anyone could ever hurt a child, or unfollow me on Twitter.

Just thought “Man, Twitter is loaded with earthy, brazen women with nice big thighs,” then I realized that’s just whom I choose to follow.

FACT: Black people weren’t allowed to use Twitter until 2006. SHAME ON YOU, Twitter.

Facebook is now just a place I stop by to see if I can find pictures of women from Twitter in bikinis.

Twitter forces me to enjoy women for their wit & character in addition to their hypnotic bums & slammin’ tits.

"Oh no, I have burned my nephew horribly." - tweet of a guy who hasn’t quite gotten the "hang" of Twitter

What? That’s crazy! RT @Twitter: We’re sending $500 to the first 50 women to send pix of themselves showering to @robdelaney

Careful. It’s addictive. RT @TigerWoods: What’s up everyone. Finally decided to try out twitter!

MIRACLE! A little girl who’d been in a wheelchair HER WHOLE LIFE read my tweets yesterday & now she knows what bukkake is!

It’s wonderful that Twitter brings white people, black people & Latino people together to make fun of Asian people.

Does your Twitter picture have even semi-recognizable human features in it? If so, I’ve masturbated to it.

Every time a celebrity posts an inspirational quote on Twitter, Jesus locks an orphanage’s doors & rains fire on it.

I didn’t know I had OCD til someone I follow changed her Twitter picture & I started crying & shit my pants.

I just almost responded to a crazy person on Twitter but I decided to pee in my sock drawer instead.

For what started as a message board for Israeli bodybuilders, Twitter sure has come a long way.

Linking your Four Square to Twitter is like handcuffing your fat smelly cousin Jody to Rosario Dawson.

If I love someone on Twitter, I print out their little picture, tape it on a Barbie doll’s face & ease it gently up my b-hole.

Remember when Dave Matthews’ tour bus blasted human shit on that boatload of people in Chicago? Wish we’d had Twitter then.

I like it when corporations have a sassy “human” Twitter presence, like their CEO wouldn’t cut your mom’s throat for a nickel.

People say “Twitter’s shown me women can be funny.” I always knew they were funny. Jews being funny, however: nice surprise.

So this is awful: met a guy today who’d lost his family in a fire or something? Anyway; he wasn’t following me on Twitter.

Let this be a lesson. NEVER send photos of your cock via Twitter; mail a watercolor instead.

Sometimes it’s good for me to unplug from Twitter and “get real” with my buddy Jeff, who I made out of cloth & a big squash.

A few months before I joined Twitter, I saw a zebra get a boner at the San Diego Zoo. Wanted you guys to know.

Have you ever imagined growing old with someone based solely on their Twitter picture & 1 or 2 quality fart tweets?

When is Canada getting Twitter?

My grandpa’s starting to lose it. Not as bad as Alec Baldwin on Twitter, but still sad…

Before Twitter, I’d never have guessed I’d be jerking off to such tiny little pictures.

I’m as terrible at using “new” Twitter as I was at finding girls’ clits in college.

TWITTER: Now you can have the type of crush you used to reserve for celebrities on some weirdo in Des Moines.

Most people who write mean stuff to me on Twitter are justifiably upset that I fucked their parents in their stupid mouths.

I don’t think Twitter should be used to force people to imagine their grandfather eating a banana out of Burt Reynolds’ ass.

Hey is John on Twitter?

Instead of replying to idiots on Twitter, sometimes I just press my dirty scrotum on their picture & immediately feel better.

You won’t be laughing at my tweets when your daughter robs a bank with one of them tattooed on her stomach.

Makes me sick to think that there are kids in Africa or Greece or whatever who’ve never even seen one of my tweets.

Reading “inspirational” tweets from celebrities makes me want to do a bucket of drugs & shit powerfully in my pants.

A lot of people told me they unfollowed me today. I will read their names to my children in lieu of a bedtime story tonight.

Quit wasting your life in front of a computer! Go outside, and tweet from your phone, like a person!

"Hi! I’m Rick!" - Rick, a guy I made up just for this tweet, then murdered with a hammerIf you ever unfollow me, please let me know so I can jerk off to your picture.

I just almost followed someone, then saw they’ve tweeted FORTY-THOUSAND times & was like “FUCK THAT MAYONNAISE.”

It should cost $1000 to tweet a picture of your food.

If all your tweets are super cool, world-weary complaints, you should go treat yourself to an ice cream cone & a wank.

HOLLER IF YOU’RE GOING TO BURNING MAN!!! (so I can immediately unfollow you)

Some tweets make me want to ride a horse to the author’s house & cut their fingers off with garden shears.

The blue “Verified” checkmark on someone’s page is usually an indication that you’re about to read some boring-ass tweets.

I think 1 of 2 things when I read tweets; That’s the funniest thing I’ve ever heard! -or- Die in a fire, you drooling moron.

"I’d sooner lend my wheelbarrow to a Jew!" - weird bigoted thing to say that doesn’t make sense & why did I even tweet it?

Some of your tweets are so consistently boring it literally must be an excellent, well-crafted joke that I don’t get.

I’d “add a location” to my tweets, but I want my rapist to have to work for it.

Every time a celebrity posts an “inspirational” tweet, they should be forced to drink a pint of their signature perfume.

Do you guys mind when I retweet black people?

How do I add gluten to my tweets? I don’t want those people following me.

I’m going through a difficult time so I really need you guys to step up & post some funnier tweets.

If you don’t like one of my tweets, rearrange the letters into something you do like. I can’t wipe your ass for you.

No animals were harmed in the making of this tweet, but I did show my dong to a parakeet yesterday.

Make a difference. Retweet a celebrity today.

I realize I’ve tweeted some terrible things. If I search my heart, I guess it’s because I really, truly, genuinely enjoy doing it.

He would appreciate this streamlined tweet. RT @AlecBaldwin: Hemingway shot himself 50 years ago today.

I wish I could press my face into your tweets & smell you.

If I really like someone’s tweet, I print it out and eat it.

Sorry about the last 3,695 or so tweets. That was pretty uncalled for.

Sometimes I’m like “WHAT?!” at the stuff Jesus tells me to tweet.

Just threw back a few squirts of Brogurt™ with my homie Ryan. (Sponsored Tweet)

My wife can’t read. RT @MisterMusicmanE: does your wife reads your tweets?

When someone unfollows me, it’s probably because they left my page up & their cat walked on the keyboard & hit “unfollow?”

I would rather messily shit my pants while applying for a loan than mix up “your” & “you’re” in a tweet.

I don’t think your last tweet was necessary.

Is there a way to prevent Korean people from seeing my last 6 tweets?

Hey, quick question: do any of you drive a Porsche Cayenne? If so, please unfollow me. Thanks!

Driving over to my friend Gary’s house to slap him because he just posted a shitty, unfunny tweet.

I apologize for any of my negative tweets. I composed them in a place of fear & weakness. (Specifically, Houston)

I messed up a tweet w/ typos twice in a row. Thanks to those who alerted me. I’m tired from athletically fucking your moms last night.

Hey, quick question: do any of you drive a Porsche Cayenne? If so, please unfollow me. Thanks!

Sometimes I read a funny tweet & think “Ha ha ha ha! I would like to fuck the person who wrote that.”

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    I really don’t know if there’s anyone in the world who is funnier than Rob Delaney.
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    Summing Up the Twitterverse