I am a shitty father.

If Mexicans can pierce their baby girls’ ears, I can pierce my son’s bellybutton. This is still a free country.

My son just slowly, purposefully picked up a banana & stuck it into his eye. I guess I won’t have to waste any money on college.

How come when my son does a big loud poop in his diaper, it’s “cute,” but when I do it, it’s “sexy?”

PARENTS: Catalog your kids’ bad behavior so if you ever get divorced & they ask why, you can just show them the ledger.

Little kids need to be taught that the 5th time they ask the same question, their grandpa will be eaten by a wolf.

I’m worried my son thinks it’s his fault my wife & I are divorcing. That’s crazy. It’s his sister’s fault.

I let my wife call the shots on dumb shit like money or our daughter but when it comes to pizza toppings, I’m “El Presidente.”

I always tell my daughter that God threw away the mold after He made her, because she’s grotesque & misshapen.

My son has a fever & OF COURSE he hates me using the rectal thermometer. Ugh, teenagers!!!

I think my daughter might turn out to be the next Martin Scorsese! (Her eyebrows are fucking terrifying)

Sometimes I wish my son had a “snooze button!” Or an “off switch.” Or “didn’t look a lot like my Kenyan neighbor, Mbui.

For a white baby, my daughter is pretty cute.

The detective said it was “super fucking weird, but not illegal” to rub Rogaine on my daughter's back every morning.

You know how you have to light a match sometimes to cover up the smell? I just had to cremate my daughter's hamster.

Rather than telling your kids Santa isn’t real, just tell them he died. It’s a more useful life lesson.

My daughter can’t stop square dancing. The doctor says it may be Hoe-Down Syndrome.

Putting this train set together for my son is so frustrating I sincerely hope he runs away or is eaten by a bear or dog.

Sad day. We had to put my daughter's puppy Snoodles to sleep because he farted while I was watching SportsCenter :(

My daughter hid my cigarettes again. Hope she enjoys finding saran-wrapped bits of Mr. Cuddles in her advent calendar.

What was your greatest childhood fear? My son didn’t put his toys away & I want to teach him a lesson.

Parents: Don’t let your kids get fake tattoos. Get ‘em get real deal prison ink & teach ‘em something about this shit called LIFE.

It’s so easy to pick up women when I have my son in his Baby Bjorn, but we’re limited to doggy style so we don’t smoosh him.

Just passed a guy wearing a “#1 Dad” T-shirt. On my way home now to ask my kids what the fuck.

Plastic “honey bears” are a good way to teach kids that real bears shoot honey out of their heads if you grab & squeeze them.

A lot of people told me they unfollowed me today. I will read their names to my children in lieu of a bedtime story tonight.

Roofied my wife & kids earlier so I could jerk off in peace in the garage. Felt too guilty to enjoy myself, though. Live & learn!

Just woke my daughter up from a nap wearing my Willem Dafoe mask & she won’t stop screaming. Guess she’s not a fan?

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