I’m taping 4 or 5 segments today where I’ll read some tweets on “The Daily Habit.” I am going to choose from these ones, which people on Twitter were kind enough to pick for me. Thanks guys…
If I could only take ONE book to the moon, I’d make sure that book had a vagina.
The worst is when you wash your hands & there’s not paper towels & rabid dogs kill everyone you love.
Feels like just yesterday I was parked outside my ex-wife’s office drunk & crying, when in fact it was 2 days ago.
You know you’re getting old when you forget the name of the street you grew up on and break your hip and die.
It’s crazy to think that some of my wives probably haven’t even been born yet.
Neighbor asked me to water her plants while she’s away. Takes 2 min. but I spend like 20 licking the seat on her exercise bike.
Have some time to kill between appointments. I’ll probably kill my mailman & that guy Sean from my cooking class.
Plus size models: Get in touch with me if you’d like to be part of a study on my yacht this weekend.
Hey Pixar, check it out: “RataTWOille!” Wire me a million dollars.
Used to be tattoo sleeves meant you were a tough guy. Now it usually means you’re a little tickle biscuit!
Someone just asked why I “only date black women.” That is not true. I also date black men.
I’m not saying don’t eat at a place that has pictures of the food on their menu, I’m just saying wear a diaper when you do.
Guess who just did a hot, high-pitched fart that startled a child? Gwyneth Paltrow, perhaps!
My mom used to give me Valentine’s day cards when I was a boy. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I give fat girls S’moregasms.
If the eyes are the window to the soul, can someone please ask Michele Bachmann to wear sunglasses?
HEY: You leave your baby unattended, I’m gonna sniff it. That’s just how it is.
Animals can sense that it’s wrong for me to suckle at them, but it’s not like they can call the cops or anything.
You say “potato.” SAY IT! FUCKING SAY POTATO. SAY IT NOW.
Pretty sure if anyone made eye contact with me while I was thinking about Rosario Dawson, they would get pregnant.
If you’re female & we’ve been in the same room even once, I could do an accurate watercolor of your bottom from memory.
I like to get in my opponent’s head when I play chess by miniaturizing myself & riding a ladybug up their nose.
Nothing in this world is as immaculately groomed as Anderson Cooper’s pubes.
As I ponder the last few years, my only real regret is that I didn’t spend less time with my family.
Have you ever met someone & thought they seemed cool but then found they taught yoga or were Canadian?
Women like to “feel heard,” so be sure to repeat whatever they say back to them in a thoughtful, sing-songy character voice.
Probably the worst thing I ever did was tell a blind girl I was Josh Groban & date her for 4 years.
I wonder how many Smurfs I could fit in my asshole at once…
Go piss on a friend. They may have been stung by a jellyfish & are too embarrassed to ask for help. You’ll be a hero.
Always include someone’s race when you insult them, so they’re SURE you’re talking to them. It’s just proper manners.
I think it’s ok to make the jerkoff motion whenever a college student talks about their thoughts/feelings/beliefs.
Sad day. We had to put my daughter’s puppy Snoodles to sleep because he farted while I was watching SportsCenter :(
I always tell my daughter that God threw away the mold after He made her, because she’s grotesque & misshapen.
Some people don’t care, I really prefer the taste of genuine Vermont maple syrup to getting my dick slammed in a car door.
Apparently Chris Brown had asked Rihanna if she wanted to hear his new single & she said “Actually I’d rather you viciously beat me.”
Vaginas are the weirdest looking things I’ve spent my whole life, all my money & every ounce of energy chasing.